Sunday, 3 April 2011

CWS-"COLD WILLY SYNDROME".(Staying warm,and other things!)

Its a delicate thing for a guy to discuss!I mean,women dont have the wedding-tackle plumbing that we do!?Dangley bits sticking out willy-nilly all over the place.If the reproductive hydraulic complications are not bad enough,we have Frost Bite to worry about?!
The women have now got the "She-Wee" to help them out.
"They even have extentions and a GTX-model,its frightening!!
But can you imagine the angst and willy-waggling it would take to manufacture a "He-Wee"?? "Not long enough,not wide enough,colours all wrong,i want a helmet not an anteater"? TTS(timid tinkler syndrome)would reach plague levels,and young guys would be swanning around the crags with huge lengths of multi-coloured plastic drainpipe sticking out of their packs!?

I have this little problem you see! I was never circumcised and "strange things" happen to me in cold weather.The end goes all blue and wrinkley forcing my poor togger back into my body.This is not a big problem(metaphoricaly speaking!)until i need to take a pee,then the fun starts! Your busting to syphon the python and suddenly you find its gone-bush on you!(no pun intended) Then when your able theres a horrible panicky moment as you try to prise and wrestle it out of its hiding-place to perform its function. Then to your horror,after you tuck it away theres allways a little drop left!(yuck!) I allways used to take a piece of plastic-pipe to Switzerland with me,until one day a female Security Officer searched my kit at Gatwick. She held it up in front of a crowd of Easy-Jet passengers and looked at me as though i lived under a rock,sadisticly swinging it back and forth in rubber-gloved fingers! (I bet she owned an extended She-Wee?)
Since then ive improvised my mountain pee-tubes on arrival,then last year quite by chance i found the solution(actually it was a cream.) whilst chatting on Andy Kirkpatricks blog on the subject of frostbite.

I was saying to him that maybe its a bad idea to shower before an alpine-climb as the loss of skin oils cause you to lose too much heat(and thus energy)when overnight bivvying.(if you take a hot bath then walk out in the cold,youle know!?) I allways used a Lanolin-cream before a cold climb,but now you cant get it for love or money?!He suggested "Udder Balm",which is Lanolin based and about £3 a tube on Amazon.Its generaly used on Cows-udders in winter to stop them getting frostbite after milking!
(Adds luster to your cluster!)
But like Lanolin,a thin coating rubbed over your body before a cold-climb is of tremendous help retaining body-heat.There are many valid precedents for this in Papuan,Inuit,and Native American cultures!Its important to remember that "heat"is a by-product of energy,and "cold"is simply the "abscence" of energy! Areas of the body eg:head,arms,legs,feet,genitalia.are the areas where heat (and thus energy) are lost the quickest.Even if its hot at Valley-Base its a good idea to put a small amount of cream on your skin,before heading into cold zones.(no i am not kidding!)
Allso take a small tube up with you,it seriously helps prevent frostbite.(And shrinky willy syndrome)One last thing,dont enjoy "rubbing" it on too much or people will think your doing something else!!

Ps: Lanolin is a natural animal fat so it doesnt ruin your 
      clothes. Its allso very easy to wash out.


Good climbing!