Sunday, 3 April 2011

CWS-"COLD WILLY SYNDROME".(Staying warm,and other things!)

Its a delicate thing for a guy to discuss!I mean,women dont have the wedding-tackle plumbing that we do!?Dangley bits sticking out willy-nilly all over the place.If the reproductive hydraulic complications are not bad enough,we have Frost Bite to worry about?!
The women have now got the "She-Wee" to help them out.
"They even have extentions and a GTX-model,its frightening!!
But can you imagine the angst and willy-waggling it would take to manufacture a "He-Wee"?? "Not long enough,not wide enough,colours all wrong,i want a helmet not an anteater"? TTS(timid tinkler syndrome)would reach plague levels,and young guys would be swanning around the crags with huge lengths of multi-coloured plastic drainpipe sticking out of their packs!?

I have this little problem you see! I was never circumcised and "strange things" happen to me in cold weather.The end goes all blue and wrinkley forcing my poor togger back into my body.This is not a big problem(metaphoricaly speaking!)until i need to take a pee,then the fun starts! Your busting to syphon the python and suddenly you find its gone-bush on you!(no pun intended) Then when your able theres a horrible panicky moment as you try to prise and wrestle it out of its hiding-place to perform its function. Then to your horror,after you tuck it away theres allways a little drop left!(yuck!) I allways used to take a piece of plastic-pipe to Switzerland with me,until one day a female Security Officer searched my kit at Gatwick. She held it up in front of a crowd of Easy-Jet passengers and looked at me as though i lived under a rock,sadisticly swinging it back and forth in rubber-gloved fingers! (I bet she owned an extended She-Wee?)
Since then ive improvised my mountain pee-tubes on arrival,then last year quite by chance i found the solution(actually it was a cream.) whilst chatting on Andy Kirkpatricks blog on the subject of frostbite.

I was saying to him that maybe its a bad idea to shower before an alpine-climb as the loss of skin oils cause you to lose too much heat(and thus energy)when overnight bivvying.(if you take a hot bath then walk out in the cold,youle know!?) I allways used a Lanolin-cream before a cold climb,but now you cant get it for love or money?!He suggested "Udder Balm",which is Lanolin based and about £3 a tube on Amazon.Its generaly used on Cows-udders in winter to stop them getting frostbite after milking!
(Adds luster to your cluster!)
But like Lanolin,a thin coating rubbed over your body before a cold-climb is of tremendous help retaining body-heat.There are many valid precedents for this in Papuan,Inuit,and Native American cultures!Its important to remember that "heat"is a by-product of energy,and "cold"is simply the "abscence" of energy! Areas of the body eg:head,arms,legs,feet,genitalia.are the areas where heat (and thus energy) are lost the quickest.Even if its hot at Valley-Base its a good idea to put a small amount of cream on your skin,before heading into cold zones.(no i am not kidding!)
Allso take a small tube up with you,it seriously helps prevent frostbite.(And shrinky willy syndrome)One last thing,dont enjoy "rubbing" it on too much or people will think your doing something else!!

Ps: Lanolin is a natural animal fat so it doesnt ruin your 
      clothes. Its allso very easy to wash out.


Good climbing!


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    1. Thanks for your thoughts Dean.If anybody else has their own answer to this problem,all contributions are welcomed?! Rob


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